How to Tell Where a Cop works — Police Humor
-Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
-Start wearing “Tap Out” t-shirts
-Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
-Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
-Practice the “Don’t acknowledge me, even in the police station, look.”
-Thinks even the Chief worships you.
-Make every case involve overtime $$$.
-Learn to play golf drunk.
-Wear team T-shirts (size small), Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
-Try to fit the word “breach” and “tactical” in to every conversation.
-Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
-Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
-Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune, Guns and Ammo and Muscle and Fitness magazines.
-Learn to play golf wearing a gun, a tactical knife and a back-up gun (just in case)
Community Service Units
-Work to make everybody love you.
-Paint your office in pastel colors.
-Think Feng Shui.
-Subscribe to Psychology Today.
-Learn to play miniature golf.
-Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
-Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
-Annoy the shit out of everyone on the radio by having complete disregard for anyone else’s radio traffic.
-Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
-Constantly ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
-Refer to the “other” law enforcement officers as “Car cops.”
-”LBR” (Look Bitchin’ Riding) is your mantra
-Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
-Show pictures of your latest dog bite.
-Brag about your largest drug find.
-Smell like a dog.
-Workout 3 times a day.
-Show off your bruises.
-Three-hour lunches every day, tell everybody it’s a “meeting.”
-Upgrade department cell phone every month.
-Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
-Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
-Expert at PowerPoint, bar charts and graphs
-Golf Rules! Play LOTS of golf.
-Has nerves of steel.
-In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
-Inability to keep mouth shut.
-Has defining tastes in alcohol.
-Is respected by peers.
-Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
-Automatically grasps the door handle until knuckles turn white when car is put in gear.
-Considers a multiple-victim homicide in progress a “good training opportunity” and asks to take primary.
-Lifelong case of irritable bowel syndrome
-Considers less than three hours of OT to be a quiet day.
-Come in at 0800.
-”Breakfast” from 0815 to 1030.
-Work from 1030 to Noon.
-Noon to 1400 Work out and Lunch.
-1400-1700 Sit in CID and talk about how many girlfriends you have and how the wife doesn’t know. Plan your next RV, fishing, motorcycle trip.
-Remembers very well “how we usta do it.”
-Always willing to tell his officers the above.
-Tries to fit the word “liability” in to every sentence.
-Talks about “what he’s hearing from upstairs.”
-Unable to grow facial hair.
-Watches every episode of Cops.
-Gets excited when the SWAT guys walk by.
-Arrives for work three hours early.
-Thinks the sergeant is thrilled to see him.
-Won’t drink on the golf course because it violates the open container ordinance.
New Corrections Officers
– Show up for work 15 minutes early.
– Buy only the best ink pens (Pilot G-2).
– Wear T-Shirts of your “dream department” under your uniform.
– Wear a full duty belt of gear even though you have to remove everything when you arrive at the facility.
– Become friends with every local police officer.
Defensive Tactics Instructors
-Starts stretching before making arrest.
-Can spend hours debating the advantages of RCB vs. straight stick.
-Wears yoga pants off-duty
-Chuck Norris is GOD
-Has spent more than $50 on a wood baton.
-Giggles when a suspect starts to resist.
– Responds to every question/statement with the word, ‘huh?’
– Has a % lead/blood level higher than the current Chief’s approval rating.
– Operates under the assumption that the more beer you drink, the more of that lead leaves your system.
– Thinks a new tactical handgun is a great Christmas gift for the wife/girlfriend.
– Has an image of a custom 1911-A1 for a screen-saver.
– Wears the latest high-tech electronic hearing protectors during normal conversation.